2007-06-26

A Global Perspective of Women, for the male libido


Hello out there! What follows is not meant to offend anyone, female or male, straight or curved, rational or Evangelical. It is only something that needs to be said. Or asked. Whatever.

Where can the most perfect women be found?

I have traveled the world extensively (Six countries!) and now have the answer. Well, actually I don't have the answer but I have something to contribute to the conversation.

For the sake of brevity and lack of knowledge, we will limit our world of women to the U.S.A., Italy, Germany, Australia, Spain, and Austria. Now let it be said beforehand that I have been accused of favoring long, dark locks on slightly dark faces at slightly below average height and bodies the shape of, well, middle-distance runners (like the skinny kind, but with some muscle). However, my present semi-martial status presents some counter-evidence to at least two of those attributes.

It's not an open-an-shut case. Especially seeing that these exotic lands can easily be paired into similarity classes: U.S. and Oz, Italy and Spain, and Austria and Germany. I will use the U.S.A. as my basis (the bar is set, as they say) not because I know it the best, but because they will be offended if I don't.

Let us begin. Spain and Italy take the titles for the dark and mysterious. They're not really that mysterious, but I do feel a littleintimidated, especially because they have a style of seemingly always waiting at the Versaci counter for the latest, and then heading straight to the beach, the sidewalk café, or the cluuub. I'd want to take one of these girls to show off at a not-quite-black-tie formal. Gotta show some flashy color.

Austria and Germany have quite similar genetic makeups as good ol' americans, but they treat themselves differently. The style right now is quite distinctly neo-punk, faux-hawk and mullet included (mainly for guys). But, I love the painted-on jeans, straight down to the thin ankles, and the clingy shirt-dresses of varying lengths. Painted on isn't always good, but it is in this case since the girls of Middle Europe know how to stay thin. Maybe that's the part of the DNA that's different from american beauties. I see more itty-bitty waists per capita in Austria than anywhere else in this six-country world. And that's hot.

America the beautiful. It is definitely true that there is something for everyone in America. There are heads of hair from four million shades and tints of skin you can't find in Europe. And body types too, both good and bad. There are curves going in all directions, which is something you can't find elsewhere. That may sound bad, but it's not. And despite all of the castles, Sir Mix-a-lot couldn't find a home in central Europe. That guy's crusades are for the Holy Grail should stay in the Americas, or maybe Italy.

As for Australia: I have no idea because I didn't meet any Aussie girls. They were all english and irish, and some of the americans there topped the charts.

In conclusion, if you like your white girls dark, Italy is your place, with Spain close on it's heels. If you like a wide variety, the 150 million american women fit the bill. For a narrower selection, (both of variety and waist size) the German-speaking region can easily hold its own, but without the Honky Tonk Badonkadonks. It seems that winter is not girl-season in Vienna, but when the weather warms up, game comes out of the woodwork, and there is a lot of woodwork in Austria. As somewhat of an aside, and definitely as a note for later: The 35-45 crowd in Austria is simply off the chain. The Alps are a cougar-lovers Garden of Eden.

But the question on everyone's mind is: Where can I find the Unicorn? One must look within oneself to find the answer. Only a woman-lover pure of heart and clear of mind will witness this magical creature. If you search long enough and concentrate hard enough, a unicorn will appear in your own back yard. But I don't have a back yard, so they have appeared on Vienna subways, in the Madrid airport, on Italian beaches, and in the fields of the Great Midwest.

Happy hunting.

1 comment:

RM said...

Ha! I liked the reference to the unicorn in the last stanza. Did you know that when I moved here I started using unicorn to describe the unpossible - a skinny girl with huge real boobs? It is so very hard to find.